Programming Humor

Off-Topic
22

Realbasic in 2005 and Xojo in 2013 http://instagram.com/p/W2BuMLQLRB/# :slight_smile:

23

You probably recognize some of these:
The Top 20 replies by programmers when their programs do not work:
20. “That’s weird
”
19. “It’s never done that before.”
18. “It worked yesterday.”
17. “How is that possible?”
16. “It must be a hardware problem.”
15. “What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?”
14. “There is something funky in your data.”
13. “I haven’t touched that module in weeks!”
12. “You must have the wrong version.”
11. “It’s just some unlucky coincidence.”
10. “I can’t test everything!”
9. “THIS can’t be the source of THAT.”
8. “It works, but it hasn’t been tested.”
7. “Somebody must have changed my code.”
6. “Did you check for a virus on your system?”
5. "Even though it doesn’t work, how does it feel?
4. “You can’t use that version on your system.”
3. “Why do you want to do it that way?”
2. “Where were you when the program blew up?”

  1. “It works on my machine.”
24

Hah! I definitely used this one the other day. My software runs in conjunction with a machine (two PLC’s) and server. The software runs on a laptop. The client has yet to put the machine and server on a UPS (very large client, so they have to provide their own). They were running a test over the weekend and the software said the machine stopped responding (via TCP). I received the error report on Monday.

CLIENT: It just stopped working. It said it lost connectivity to the machine.
ME: Umm
 I looked over the log. I don’t know how it’s possible that it just disconnected. Is it possible the machine got restarted?
CLIENT: Oh. Well, there was a large thunderstorm over the weekend. Certain areas were losing power. Could that do it?
ME: 
Yes. When are you getting that UPS installed?

:smiley:

25

But at least she can cook

26

Dogs cook??
All mine does is order take-out

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In my day it was Twinkies and Jolt Cola

30

And sleeping in the Company’s closet on a mattress. :slight_smile:
I personally never did, but I had colleagues who did.

31

I’ve slept on the hard floor before
 Somehow I still managed to be late for work!

32

Where can I order that t-shirt?

33

Ah
 Not this dog, but she does help me eat almost all my food.

34

found something similar in Cafepress

35

Cheezies and Jolt but still the concept is the same

I’m not sure you can get Cheezies outside of Canada - IMHO they are far superior to things like Cheetos Crunchy snacks

36

I was looking also, and the only place I can find that exact tee-shirt is http://www.lookhuman.com/design/20725-programmer and they want $20
 :frowning: Maybe I’m cheap, but was thinking that was a bit much.

37

[h]Real Programmers don’t eat quiche. – Author Unknown[/h]

  • Real Programmers don’t write specs – users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all, and take what they get.

  • Real programmers don’t comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to read.

  • Real programmers don’t write application programs, they program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can’t do systems programming.

  • Real programmers don’t eat quiche. Real programmers don’t even know how to spell quiche. They eat Twinkies. And Szechwan food. (Do not go to eat Szechwan food with a group of Real Programmers unless you are prepared to argue bitterly over the last spring roll.)

  • Real programmers don’t draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate’s form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.

  • Real programmers don’t read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and the coward.

  • Real programmers programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in only a few 30-hours debugging sessions.

  • Real programmers don’t use Fortran. Fortran is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks, pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.

  • Real programmers don’t use COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy application programmers.

  • Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 am, it’s because they were up all night.

  • Real programmers don’t write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC, after the age of 12.

  • Real programmers don’t document. Documentation is for simps who can’t read the listings or the object deck.

  • Real programmers don’t write in Pascal, or Bliss, or Ada, or any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak memories.

  • Real programmers know better than the users what they need.

  • Real programmers think structured programming is a communist plot.

  • Real programmers don’t use schedules. Schedules are for manager’s toadies. Real programmers like to keep their manager in suspense.

  • Real programmers think better when playing adventure.

  • Real programmers don’t use PL/I. PL/I is for insecure momma’s boys who can’t choose between COBOL and Fortran.

  • Real programmers don’t use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line.

  • Real programmers don’t use LISP. Only effeminate programmers use more parentheses than actual code.

  • Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive, prematurely toilet-trained neurotics who wear neckties and carefully line up sharpened pencils on an otherwise uncluttered desk.

  • Real programmers don’t like the team programming concept. Unless, of course, they are the Chief Programmer.

  • Real programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. Managers are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives.

  • Real programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to “think big.”

  • Real programmers don’t drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs, Lincolns or pick-up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.

  • Real programmers don’t believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers “firm up” schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules.

  • Real programmers like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the cpu. They can tell what job is running just by listening to the rate of popping.

  • Real programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every real program. Puppy architects won’t allow execute instructions to address another execute as the target instruction. Real programmers despise such petty restrictions.

  • Real programmers don’t bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn’t sell it, they don’t eat it. Vending machines don’t sell quiche.

  • Real Programmers aren’t scared of GOTOs
 but they really prefer branches to absolute locations.

  • Real Programmers don’t play tennis, or any other sport which requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and Real Programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the computer room.

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There are 10 types of people in the world
those who understand binary, and those that don’t.

41

A man walks into a pet shop containing various different types of animals, and notices that they’re very expensive. He points at a monkey, and asks the pet shop owner “This monkey costs $40,000! Why is it so expensive?” The pet shop owner replies, “Ah, that’s a special monkey, that – it can program in Java – good for enterprise programming and web stuff.” The man looks around a bit more, and notices another more expensive monkey. He asks the pet shop owner “This one costs $50,000 – what does this one do?” The pet shop owner says “That’s a C++ monkey. More advanced, low-level and faster code.” The man accepts this and looks around the pet shop a bit more. He then sees another even more expensive monkey. “Good god – this monkey costs $80,000 – what on earth does it do?” he asks. “Well, I’ve never actually seen that monkey do anything,” said the pet shop owner, “but the other monkeys call it the project manager.”